Tuesday, January 24, 2006

An evening into my mind

Last evening I had time to wonder and ponder about my life. The life that I have put on hold a while back to wallow in the sea of my own miseries, self beating and victimisation.

Now that the dark clouds are slowly clearing up and me braving one day at a time, I am much better emotionally. Sad to say, I am still falling once in a while, into false hopes and dreams. In some ways I am pretty screwed up still but so far better than the emotional abyss I was drowning in previously.

I sat in on a bench, facing a mini man made rainforest garden with water fall where the leaves and the soil were wet and glistening due to the pouring rain. The scenery was beautiful and calming yet inside me, I felt something's missing and there is a slow turmoil stiring inside my mind.

I think about why I allow myself to keep falling and keep believing...

I wonder what I want in order for me to feel complete again...

I ponder why I am hanging on to an en empty hope for the longest time when the hurtful truth is so obviously clear...

I analyse why I keep running away and not wanting to face what that was long gone...

As think, wonder, ponder and analysis, I felt that I am so pathetic and so very stupid. I hate myself for feeling like this. I despise myself for being so weak.

I know I gotta do something about this. The reality is shows that what I have been dreaming of is nothing and next to never. But I just don't have the strength. I keep falling back to where I was each time I am struck by pain.

I have to move on. I have to stop hanging on. I don't know how, but I have to know how or it will be the death of my soul.

Last evening, I sat by the rainforest garden and cried for a long time, drowning my sorrow along with the falling rain and accompanied by the greying and slowly darkening sky.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Full Moon and Sunrise

A good friend of mine sent me these two beautiful photos taken from her home. Thanks so much, Ari :)

Well, nice things must be shared... so enjoy, ya...

A full moon in August 05

Sunrise over our Istana Negara early this morning.

These photos have some certain mood attached to them, can you feel them?

Photos by Arizona. (C) 2005 - 2006

Friday, January 20, 2006

Wave your wand

You can so easily make me happy.

You have no idea, do you?

It sure seems like you have a magic wand. Just wave it and I'll be happy.

But you won't wave it. Not for me :(

Thursday, January 19, 2006


It is already 19 days into 2006.

So, I am gonna have a Grammy-award-like speech or prolly some kind of thanksgiving for year 2005 sorta post for my blog. This kinda of blog is usually very dangerous because I might forget to mention or credit someone that I should have. So, please excuse me, ok. I will try to append to this post when I remember. Here I go...

I am forever grateful and very touched by the love and care shown by my mom, dad, bro, sis in law, sis, cousin AG and Nico during my terrible downtime. You all have been for there for me like a huge solid fort when I was weak and like a big soft mattress each time I fell. I love you all so very much although I don't know how to express myself well.

Thank you Miki-C for introducing me to scuba diving. I would not have done it if you did not encourage me. Wish we could dive together more often, along with Bobo and her mister.

I am glad that my schooldays' best friend, C, contacted me after we had lost contact for so many years. It was really nice to meet you again and I hope we can see each other more often from hereon. You were my best friend, and will always be. And yes, you still look the same like how I remembered you, only prettier! *hugs*

It is very refreshing and fun to hang out with friends from the Alloexpat forum every Wednesday. I tried to be there, but somehow, sometimes, I had to be somewhere else. Thank goodness Arizona started the Wednesday meet ups and Dr Andy to carry on the tradition. Arizona, Peacey, Jade, Kaiserin and RJ - you are my favourite!

Cher mon Professeur Serge, bien que je suis toujours muet comme une carpe mais j'adore ton cours parce qu'ils sont tres amusant. Tu peux me rigoler tout le temps. J'espere je peux continuer mon cours prochain avec toi.

Work has been boring and slow everyday but thank goodness for wonderful colleagues who are great to work with and fun to be with. I am grateful that you gals/guys have been there for me when I was going through bumps and potholes. To my lunch buddies, I sure do enjoy the one hour break (or more) with you gals.

Friends whom I always cherish and love. Gosh, I wonder what I'll be without your friendship. Cherub, Metria, Chinoz, Bobo, Miki-C, Sweet Almond, Jessie and Julie - good friends forever! Love ya heaps!

CP, you know we are from very old-fashioned family but I want to let you know that I love you very much. You are so dear to me!

Getting to know D was a gift from Heaven and eversince then, I have had wonderful moments all the time. Thank you for your friendship, care and pamperings. You made me smile and happy when all I knew was despair. I know I whine and moan sometimes, sorry for that but thank you for listening to me ever so patiently and at times, agreeing with me. And that* was simply amazing, I hope you feel the same too.

Despite what happened betwen us, B, you will always have that special place in my heart. I love you.

And to Our Heavenly Father, thank you for Your continous blessings and grace to me, my family, friends and colleagues. Please stop testing and challenging me but give me strength and wisdom to carry on. In Jesus most precious name, I thank you and pray.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Just what I needed now...

... a song like this
for a simple know...
... that there will be someone there

Hand Me Down
by Matchbox Twenty

Someday they’ll find your small town world on a big town avenue
Gonna make you like the way they talk when they’re talking to you
Gonna make you break out of the shell cause they tell you to
Gonna make you like the way they lie better than the truth
They’ll tell you everything you wanted someone else to say
They’re gonna break your heart, yeah

From what I’ve seen
You’re just a one more hand me down
Cause no one’s tried to give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

Somebody ought to take you in
Try to make you love again
Try to make you like the way they feel
When they’re under your skin
Never once did think they’d lie when they’re holding you
You wonder why they haven’t called
When they said they’d call you
You start to wonder if you’re ever gonna make it by
You’ll start to think you were born blind

From what I’ve seen
You’re just a one more hand me down
Cause no one’s tried to give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

I’m here for the hard times
The straight to your heart times
Whenever it ain’t easy
You can stand up against me
And maybe rely on me
And cry on me, yeah
Oh no, no, no

Some day they’ll open up your world
Shake it down on a drawing board
Do their best to change you
They still can’t erase you

From what I’ve seen
You’re just a one more hand me down
Cause no one’s tried to give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

Lay them down on me
Oh yeah
You’re just one more hand me down
And all those nots don’t give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down...on me

Monday, January 16, 2006

Scripture Reading

During my late uncle's last service of his funeral, the Pastor read the scripture below. I am not going to explain why Matthew 20:1-16 was read.

But what I am going to blog is that right after the service and the cremation process, we went back to my late uncle's home to be with his family.

What happened next was a very nice coincidence.

My other uncle from Klang was searching for this scripture read by the Pastor in my late uncle's personal bible. He remembered Matthew but unsure which chapter. I helped him and we tried chapter 20, then 15 and then 25. Finally, I decided to search the entire book of Matthew and found the scripture at chapter 20.

We noticed that my late uncle bookmarked that page of that bible with the attached red ribbon. Isn't this nice? Wonders of God never fail to amaze us at all times.

*** *** ***

Matthew 20

The Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard

1 “For the kingdom of heaven is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire laborers for his vineyard.
2 Now when he had agreed with the laborers for a denarius a day, he sent them into his vineyard.
3 And he went out about the third hour and saw others standing idle in the marketplace,
4 and said to them, ‘You also go into the vineyard, and whatever is right I will give you.’ So they went.
5 Again he went out about the sixth and the ninth hour, and did likewise.
6 And about the eleventh hour he went out and found others standing idle, and said to them, ‘Why have you been standing here idle all day?’
7 They said to him, ‘Because no one hired us.’ He said to them, ‘You also go into the vineyard, and whatever is right you will receive.’
8 “So when evening had come, the owner of the vineyard said to his steward, ‘Call the laborers and give them their wages, beginning with the last to the first.’
9 And when those came who were hired about the eleventh hour, they each received a denarius.
10 But when the first came, they supposed that they would receive more; and they likewise received each a denarius.
11 And when they had received it, they complained against the landowner,
12 saying, ‘These last men have worked only one hour, and you made them equal to us who have borne the burden and the heat of the day.’
13 But he answered one of them and said, ‘Friend, I am doing you no wrong. Did you not agree with me for a denarius? 14 Take what is yours and go your way. I wish to give to this last man the same as to you.
15 Is it not lawful for me to do what I wish with my own things? Or is your eye evil because I am good?’
16 So the last will be first, and the first last. For many are called, but few chosen.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

An eulogy

I am in Singapore attending my uncle's wake and funeral. He is the husband of my mom's sister. He has passed away suddenly and unexpectedly on Friday nite. On a positive note, he did not suffer at all and it was very quick and easy passing. For that, I think it was a blessing. He must be a good man not to be tortured by painful death or sickness.

I don't think it is anything co-incidental but it was Friday the 13th.

It was a peaceful wake today, with a steady stream of guests comprising of friends, colleagues, relatives of my auntie and cousins. We, whom hail from Malaysia barely know anyone but we helped to serve the guests and clean ups, which is better than sitting around doing nothing. Being a Christian helps making my deceased uncle's last rites totally simple, clean and uncomplicated, as compared to a typical Chinese funeral process.

My deceased uncle's church organised a prayer service in the evening. It was a service to pay him a last respect, to worship and be with the Lord. Hymms are sung, prayers are said and sermons was given.

Then came the eulogy part by a nephew, his sister and his daughter.

The eulogy by his daughter whom obviously is my cousin, was not eloquent. The words were unplanned or written beforehand. One would consider it as a very bad speech if it was a marketing or sales presentation. But all that did not matter at all. It was touching and moving. The insurmountable love she has for her father can be felt.

My cousin was speaking directly from her heart, expressing herself between tears and overwhelming sense of loss, on how great her father was as a father, husband and family to herself, her bro and her mom. I do not have good regards for him due to some usual family problems which should all be forgotten and forgiven since yesterday. But I know very well and totally convinced that he has been a great father. He has done so much for his family.

As my cousin spoke, many was tearing and some holding their tears. Some don't understand English but could felt what she was feeling anyway.

I was so sad listening to her. I felt her pain and her loss. I could sense that she loves her father so much yet there is a hint of pent up anger which has become bearable for a long long time due to uncontrollable circumtances. There is also a sense of being comfortable and taking her father's presence and love for granted that when he is gone to be with the Lord so suddenly, how do one express the depth of love and appreciation for one's father now?

I grew sadder and wanted to cry but I can't and I won't cry. I could only imagine how would I feel if I am in her shoe and it was one of my parents lying still there. Touch wood! God forbid!

By just thinking of it really made me so sad and I got scared. Then I try to think if it is one of my other uncles. Yes, I would still be sad. It is such sad and scary thoughts. That alone made me tear but I held on. I promised myself not to cry easily anymore. I wonder if I could give a eulogy, I guess not. I would not be able to express my love for my parents in public.

Till now, the thoughts linger on, initiating me to blog and frankly, I am still petrified. I wish that my parents and everyone I love or matters to me could outlive me. I know it is impossible and selfish of me.

Well, finally to my cousin, my deepest condolences to you and Ah Bu and your bro. I am sure uncle is with the Lord now, among the saints and angels in His kingdom. Please be strong and keep uncle in your fondest memories. May the Lord now keeps you and Ah Bu and your bro in his blessing and may the Holy Spirit be there to guide and protect you and Ah Bu and your bro in times of difficulties.

I know you will never call me but if you need a friend, you know I am here.

krazie*angel prays to the Lord, our God to protect and keep my parents and immediate family members in his blessings all the time

Thursday, January 12, 2006

The last one hour

In the nature of my job, one will find that every last working hour is the longest to come and to be completed. Like now. I have another non-precious 45 mins to pass.

When I am bored, I will want to seek new things to explore especially on the Internet just to keep me sane and occupied. Or least keep my brains working. Today is not one of those enthusiastic days.

Right now, I want to get a haircut as my fringe is long and bothering my eyes. I want to go home and lie down on my bed, even for a short 30 mins. I want to get a pedicure as the nail polish has chipped off. I want to curl up and cuddle next to someone. I want to watch my tv series, which I have stopped watching for 2 weeks now. I want to call someone and talk silly things.

Seriously, I need to do some grocery shopping as I am running out a lot of stuff at home.

The clock is ticking really slowly, although I know surely it will reach 5 pm, but meanwhile, I am just waiting and doing my mundane uninteresting job.

krazie*angel all ready to dash to the door...

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Tagged by Allyfeel on 5 of ...

Yes, I have been a pig...the lazy one. I sure hope Allyfeel meant I am lazy by calling me a pig. I am also born in the year of pig. Well, this is the first time someone tagged me, so I better response.

The Rules: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom spot.

1. The Life of An Independent Babe
2. My All
3. All About Zara/ Mom2ashley
4. Allyfeel
5. Krazie*Angel Rambles

Then you select five people to pass the love on to. Here's my selection:
1. Stargazer - A Girl's Thought
2. Chinoz ( no url link to her blog coz it is confidential that even I'm not privy to it at all)
3. Ghostwriter's Haven
4. Delphinus/Kaiserin
5. What Was In My Mind (WWIMM???!!!)

I tried to be as honest as possible ;)

1. What were you doing ten years ago?
Ten years ago, that would be Jan 1996. I was working with a small E-Learning Multimedia company. It was my second job after I have graduated. I was driving a small red Kancil and was using a huge brick mobile phone. I was also studying my 1st year of LLB in Brickfields College. I was dating my then only boyfriend, whom is an ex now. I went home to Melaka almost every weekend to visit my grandma and father.

2. What were you doing 1 year ago?
I was working in the same company, feeling bored and useless. Last year this time, I was mostly depressed all the time. Sad but true.

3. Five super fatty and high cholesterol snacks you enjoy:
1. Chocolate Chips (Famous Amos/Subway)
2. McD Strawberry Sundae
3. Satay
4. Char Koey Teow
5. Nasi Lemak

4. Five songs to which you know all the lyrics off your head right now:
1. Happy Birthday (at least 3 versions - English/Mandarin/Zoo)
2. When You Say Nothing At All
3. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
4. Mary Had A Little Lamb
5. Row Row Your Boat

5. Five things you would do if you were a millionaire (a millionaire doesn't mean having only 1 mil..but millions...)
1. Buy a beach home by one of the Greek Isles and a vineyard in Spain
2. Build hospitals in 3rd world countries
3. Stop working and learn to play tennis really well
4. Spa anytime I want
5. Make sure my immediate families members live comfortably

6. Five bad habits:
1. Cleaning up and wiping tables during meals
2. Opening the fridge for no reason (esp at other people's home)
3. Opening other people's car glove compartments for no reason
4. Leaving my mouth wide open when I am engrossed in something
5. Squeeze my pimples

7. Five things you like doing:
1. Watching TV series/Movies
2. Diving (mostly because I love the sea, beach and island)
3. Laze around and do nothing
4. Pampering myself with Spa treatment/manicure/pedicure
5. Pampering/Cuddling/Canoodling with my someone special

8. Five things you would never wear, buy, or get new again:
1. Soft Toys
2. Tight mini skirt
3. Pastel purple coloured pants
4. Sunglasses
5. French Grammar Books

9. Five favorite toys:
1. iBook
2. My DVD Player
3. My TV
4. Pictionary
5. My MP3 Player
(They are not exactly toys but I love what they can do for me. I don't have dildo, if not that might be one of the toys...just kidding!)

Nah...that's me...