Tuesday, January 24, 2006

An evening into my mind

Last evening I had time to wonder and ponder about my life. The life that I have put on hold a while back to wallow in the sea of my own miseries, self beating and victimisation.

Now that the dark clouds are slowly clearing up and me braving one day at a time, I am much better emotionally. Sad to say, I am still falling once in a while, into false hopes and dreams. In some ways I am pretty screwed up still but so far better than the emotional abyss I was drowning in previously.

I sat in on a bench, facing a mini man made rainforest garden with water fall where the leaves and the soil were wet and glistening due to the pouring rain. The scenery was beautiful and calming yet inside me, I felt something's missing and there is a slow turmoil stiring inside my mind.

I think about why I allow myself to keep falling and keep believing...

I wonder what I want in order for me to feel complete again...

I ponder why I am hanging on to an en empty hope for the longest time when the hurtful truth is so obviously clear...

I analyse why I keep running away and not wanting to face what that was long gone...

As think, wonder, ponder and analysis, I felt that I am so pathetic and so very stupid. I hate myself for feeling like this. I despise myself for being so weak.

I know I gotta do something about this. The reality is shows that what I have been dreaming of is nothing and next to never. But I just don't have the strength. I keep falling back to where I was each time I am struck by pain.

I have to move on. I have to stop hanging on. I don't know how, but I have to know how or it will be the death of my soul.

Last evening, I sat by the rainforest garden and cried for a long time, drowning my sorrow along with the falling rain and accompanied by the greying and slowly darkening sky.

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