My emotions, well, you can call them depression/sadness are swinging rapidly in and out all the time and had worsened since the past 3 months. And it is affecting people around me, esp my mom, sis-in-law and sis.
This is my happier blog, supposedly, but I need an outlet to write about something that I am going do and I am feeling extremely bad and guilty about the entire day.
Mom has been staying with me, taking care of me and making sure that I am fine. She knew I am sad but I never told her anything. When I am with her, I try to smile and put up a brave front. It is so pressuring to pretend that I am happy when it is killing me inside. Sometimes, I failed and I just can't smile or talk to her. I just withdrew myself into my room, my sanctuary of my insanity.
I know my weird behaviour has affected her and she worries about me so much all the time. She could not have a good nite sleep when I am insomniac or went missing in the middle of the nite. She worries if I have eaten or not. She worries when I am withdrawn. She worries when I come home late.
I feel so so bad to cause her these worries. I really wish she doesn't know anything and think that I am well, so that she can be her happy self. Thus, I have decided to ask my sis-in-law to send her home again and made her promise not to mention anything that is going around my life, but lie to her that I am fine.
Now, my mom thinks that I am angry with her and she is so sad. But I just do not want her to worry and feel sad for me. I dunno how long I am going to be so depressed and it is really so wrong to burden her when I am already such an adult and she is already so old.
I do love my mom so much and I really appreciate her staying with me. In fact, I do need her by my side. I am so afraid to be alone. But I just can't see her sad and worried for me.
I am feeling so guilty and so bad for asking her away. I feel so useless that I let her down when she think so highly of me.
krazie*angel is so sorry, mom. Please forgive me, mom