Wednesday, October 05, 2005

I am feeling bad and guilty

My emotions, well, you can call them depression/sadness are swinging rapidly in and out all the time and had worsened since the past 3 months. And it is affecting people around me, esp my mom, sis-in-law and sis.

This is my happier blog, supposedly, but I need an outlet to write about something that I am going do and I am feeling extremely bad and guilty about the entire day.

Mom has been staying with me, taking care of me and making sure that I am fine. She knew I am sad but I never told her anything. When I am with her, I try to smile and put up a brave front. It is so pressuring to pretend that I am happy when it is killing me inside. Sometimes, I failed and I just can't smile or talk to her. I just withdrew myself into my room, my sanctuary of my insanity.

I know my weird behaviour has affected her and she worries about me so much all the time. She could not have a good nite sleep when I am insomniac or went missing in the middle of the nite. She worries if I have eaten or not. She worries when I am withdrawn. She worries when I come home late.

I feel so so bad to cause her these worries. I really wish she doesn't know anything and think that I am well, so that she can be her happy self. Thus, I have decided to ask my sis-in-law to send her home again and made her promise not to mention anything that is going around my life, but lie to her that I am fine.

Now, my mom thinks that I am angry with her and she is so sad. But I just do not want her to worry and feel sad for me. I dunno how long I am going to be so depressed and it is really so wrong to burden her when I am already such an adult and she is already so old.

I do love my mom so much and I really appreciate her staying with me. In fact, I do need her by my side. I am so afraid to be alone. But I just can't see her sad and worried for me.

I am feeling so guilty and so bad for asking her away. I feel so useless that I let her down when she think so highly of me.

krazie*angel is so sorry, mom. Please forgive me, mom


Anonymous said...

Is kinda sad that you can't open up and share your problems with mummy. Sigh! I understand your point of view; you prefer to keep all your worries and problems to yourself so that mummy won't be too worried for a big gal like you. I'm a child myself. On the other hand, is kinda disturbing and disappointing for a mummy that her daughter is shutting herself off and is driving further apart. What happened to her little baby that she ones adored and loved? What happened to her little baby that she once was closely bonded? What happened …..? From mummy to her child, ‘I’ll like you for always, I’ll love you forever, as long as I’m are living, my dearest little baby you’ll be.’ I’m a parent myself, and I always tell this to my only child …….. I hope my only child will bear than in mind till the end of time and I hope you’ll give your mother a chance. Dear, friends come and go, be it is just your ordinary friends, close friends or someone you would die for, but you only have one mother and treasure before is too late and before feeling sorry. Please don’t dwell in something that is not worth waiting, treasure and cherish those around you ….. especially your MOTHER.

jeng-jeng-jennng said...

Thas becoz your mom and others love u a whole lot. She knows that you love her too; her naggings aside. All moms nag, heck the Queen nags a lot on a daily basis that Philips grew taller by the day just so his ears are higher than her mouth.. harharhar,,,

You've been a filial child I suppose and that should not keep you worrying unnecessarily than to keep a brave front always. Inside, little shorty prayers to God would help. Always does when no human can heal a shattered heart.

And mostly, be among friends who care about you. Not those who only befriend you when you're loaded with dough and laughter.

krazie*angel said...

Hi Anonymous,
No matter how much you do for your mom, it never feels enough. I guess that's why parents' sacrifices are insurmountable and can hardly be repaid.

Jeng-Jeng-Jennng, nice nickname! Yes, I agree. God has been the best remedy so far. And I am lucky to have good friends around me! And my family - they have been angels around me. That's why I feel guilty that I am dissapointing them for not being able to overcome what I am feeling at the moment.