No mood to blog

Lately I have no mood to blog. I can't seem to be able to write anything.

I have so much inside me to tell, they seems burtsting out of the seams, but I can put them in words. As much as I need to take away the ramblings in my mind, but I just can't find the right words and the right time to express them.

I am going insane, berserk inside while my heart is breaking into million pieces every single time, in pain.

This blog will probably be silent for a while. I will be away. Away from this insanity and the pain I am feeling inside. It is escapism, but I really dunno any other way to help myself. I am just facing one day at a time.

I still owe many of you my mom's self-create "Thai Pineapple Fried Rice". I will post it here when I come around it.

For my friends that have been there for me, I really am grateful. And my family, I have made them worry sick about me, for that I am so sorry. I love you all so much.

krazie*angel is crazy at the moment

Express Cut - Dare you to try!

I had a RM12 hair cut at Express Cut - one of those hair salon derived from the fast food chain concept. I swear my heart was beating like a drum calling for the rain when the lady happily snipping my hair away. I felt like a child whose mother has dragged for the cheapest and quickest hair cut.

When it was all done, I thought I look horrible. So crude. But my friend, Sweet Almond thought it was good. I dunno, I still think it is shit.

What gave me the guts to tried that?! I dunno. Darn.

I regret. Too late now.

krazie*angel can't wait for her hair to grow again

Cancer

Tuesday morning, Allyfeel received a news that her friend has just passed away suddenly due to a brain tumor at the age of 33.

Thursday morning, Datin Sri Endon, our PM's wife passed away due to breast cancer.

Two of Cherub's friends are also dying (waiting) due to cancer too.

I am sure if we ask around, someone will know someone who has just recently died due to cancer or other illness or accident. Even someone who know someone who is bracing through a terminal illness.

It seems that life is so fragile and death can threatened anyone. Frankly, morbid/crazy or not, I don't mind dying on their behalf. I might suffer and in pain, that I am a bit scared, but everything comes with a price.

Death that is sudden and fast is the best way to die. I hope I'll die that way. Quick, easy and trouble no one.

krazie*angel - Life is temporary but death is permanent

Gathering of the Insomniacs?

What does one do when the everyone he/she know is sleeping away? It is past 3.30am now. Well, all normal people should be snoring away in slumberland. Except me!

I have been awake all night long. Can't sleep. @#$%!&^*!@!

Not only tonite, but most nites. I could have looked younger or have nicer skin if I sleep. I wish :P

I don't feel like watching TV either. Or read. Or surf.

I wish there is a hangout place when everyone who is insomniac can gather around, do something together. I dunno what we can do. Maybe play board games, or simply lying around and complain why we can't sleep.

How many insomniacs are counting the hours or sheeps at this moment? I know I am one of them.

Well, I am going to lie down on my bed with my eyes closed and pretending I am asleep. Even if my mind is awake, I still have to rest this body for tomorrow.

krazie*angel wished for a shopping mall that runs from 12 am - 6 am daily

My car is ill.

No car for me today. I had to take a cab to work from the car workshop. In a way, I feel handicapped. My car had a problem...well, not that I understood, the mechanic said that my throttle body is spoilt. He actually said, total body, but I think it is throttle body. But I don't know for sure. Anyway, my car has reached the duration where most parts need to be changed.

Last evening, I noticed that my car went vroom, vroom, vroom when I am on neutral or parking gear. I thought something must have pressed on the petrol pedal, perhaps my car carpet. But no, nothing. The RPM went up and down as the car vrooming away. It was weird, my first time facing this problem. Not sure what to do, I called and smsed some friends for help, but no one seems to be free to pick up my calls. Those who picked up know nothing. I called the car workshop and no one pick up the call too.

Well, nothing much I can do, but drove home and hoping nothing will happen. The car jerked as I drove home. I was thankful that I reached home safely.

It is expensive to replace it, so I took the second hand/recond parts. What to do, I am broke. My car service is due too, so I decided to service it at the same time. Plus I have some parts that need to be replaced and serviced. Sigh! I need a lot of money for all these. Thank goodness for credit card.

The mechanic happily consoled me that I was not paying a lot for parts as my car is our good old national Wira. He said I could have paid a bomb if I am driving one of those nice Jappy car.

I had to pick up my car from the workshop after my work. Gotta hitch a ride with my colleague who stay near the workshop.

krazie*angel's next mission is to join AAM, just in case...

16 days to go...

If I have 16 more days to live, I would...

...

Troubled by troubles

Do I attract troubles or troubles attract me? All I know is that I am in trouble. My own problems aside, I have to deal with troubles of others. If I am not careful or if I am too kind, the troubles can be mine. I am so in trouble as it is, now more with troubles which are none of mine. Arrghh!

Is it my karma? Is it another test or challenge from God? Or just me being stupid as always? Or I am really that vulnerable?

I want to help and I want to say NO! If I help, I know it will not help at all, yet if I don't help, then it is really helpless.

Perhaps I am being used again, as always. If yes, I am again the stupidest person on this earth. I begin to believe that I am.

I wonder why I even care!? Sigh! Kindness always gets me in trouble. If only I have a heart of stone, uncompassionate and unmoveable. I wonder what I be then? Perhaps so, I am neither obliged to help nor troubled.

Now, if I am in trouble, I wonder if anyone will help me in return or they will walk away or tell me adverse advice when they dunno much.

Sometimes, I wish troubles will leave me alone and seek another prey or victim. I am not strong enough to handle troubles yet I am weak enough to be thrown with troubles.

Now, can you see the troubles I am into? Back to my earlier question - Do I attract troubles or trouble attract me?

krazie*angel gotta learn to say NO

Perfect description of my work

My friends : Hi krazie*angel. How are you?
krazie*angel : Hi. I am ok. You?
My friends : Good. How is your work?
krazie*angel : *scratch head* *cough* *cough* Err...

That question, well, I really dunno how to answer. Briefly, my kind of work is desk bound mostly and very easy and relaxing. It involves very little brainworks and decision making.

Today, I found a word that describe perfectly my work. Sinecure

sinecure
/sinikyoor, sin-/

• noun a position requiring little or no work but giving the holder status or financial benefit.

— ORIGIN from Latin sine cura ‘without care’.

(extracted from AskOxford.com)

Full of Grace

by Sarah McLachlan

The winter here’s cold, and bitter
It’s chilled us to the bone
We haven’t seen the sun for weeks
To long too far from home

I feel just like I’m sinking
And I claw for solid ground
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low

Oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this

Full of grace
My love

So it’s better this way, I said
Having seen this place before
Where everything we said and did
Hurts us all the more

Its just that we stayed, too long
In the same old sickly skin
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low

Oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this

Full of grace
My love

krazie*angel found this song among her old MP3 - simply appropriate about what she is going through

For Chinoz on her special day!

To a very special friend of mine, Chinoz on her special day today. This is for her sealed with a hug!

Today is happy
It most certainly is
Shake a pop
And make it fizz

Fly a kite
Or take a nap
Slap a knee
And pat a back

Run or skip
Without a care
Or fly a plane
If you dare

Swim or skate
Take your pick
Hit a mailbox
With a stick

Fall or trip
Laugh or play
Do whatever
Its your Birthday


Happy Birthday, dear Chinoz. May all your dreams and wishes come true! I wish you all the very best always.

A Birthday Wish for Allyfeel

Dear Allyfeel,

We have been working together and are friends for a long time. I wanna take this special day, your special day, to wish you the most wonderful birthday today and tomorrow and the next day and the next month and the next year and many many years to come.

I also wanna thank you for your friendship all these while. It has been a pleasure to have a friend like you. Here is a cute poem for especially for you, Allyfeel.

Happy -0th Birthday
Happy Birthday, my dear friend
That zero on the end
Means nought to me
O, share your sunniest smiling face
And let me circle you around with my embrace.


Hugs,
Krazie*Angel

I am feeling bad and guilty

My emotions, well, you can call them depression/sadness are swinging rapidly in and out all the time and had worsened since the past 3 months. And it is affecting people around me, esp my mom, sis-in-law and sis.

This is my happier blog, supposedly, but I need an outlet to write about something that I am going do and I am feeling extremely bad and guilty about the entire day.

Mom has been staying with me, taking care of me and making sure that I am fine. She knew I am sad but I never told her anything. When I am with her, I try to smile and put up a brave front. It is so pressuring to pretend that I am happy when it is killing me inside. Sometimes, I failed and I just can't smile or talk to her. I just withdrew myself into my room, my sanctuary of my insanity.

I know my weird behaviour has affected her and she worries about me so much all the time. She could not have a good nite sleep when I am insomniac or went missing in the middle of the nite. She worries if I have eaten or not. She worries when I am withdrawn. She worries when I come home late.

I feel so so bad to cause her these worries. I really wish she doesn't know anything and think that I am well, so that she can be her happy self. Thus, I have decided to ask my sis-in-law to send her home again and made her promise not to mention anything that is going around my life, but lie to her that I am fine.

Now, my mom thinks that I am angry with her and she is so sad. But I just do not want her to worry and feel sad for me. I dunno how long I am going to be so depressed and it is really so wrong to burden her when I am already such an adult and she is already so old.

I do love my mom so much and I really appreciate her staying with me. In fact, I do need her by my side. I am so afraid to be alone. But I just can't see her sad and worried for me.

I am feeling so guilty and so bad for asking her away. I feel so useless that I let her down when she think so highly of me.

krazie*angel is so sorry, mom. Please forgive me, mom

I don't know lah

Why do people need to complain about my ex-boss cum ex-best friend to me? What should I say to them? Should I compliment him, justify his case or explain on his behalf.

I have no clarification of his action nor why he did not do his work the way they want him to. Like hell I know. I hardly even know him anymore.

They asked why he is like that or like this? Well, frankly I have no idea. How would I know? Sigh!

krazie*angel says "No comment" ;)

Darkness...

"The darkness is death - we can speak, but we are not heard. We can scream but they turn their backs. We can run, but we cannot catch them. It is the dream where arms and legs won't work they way they should, and the air is too thick to breathe. Loved ones walk a mile ahead, forgetting to stop as we fall behind. This is the reality of the darkness. We are buried alive inside ourselves. "

~ Dana-Christene Umanetz

Talk big

Should I be impressed or should I give the "oh-that's-normal" look when someone tell me...
... how much he had spent on his watch
... that his bicycle is RM5K
... that his new business deals involves profit of several million of dollars
... that he bought the latest technology dive gears
... how much money he has invested in his business
... the amount of handphone bills

and etc etc which got fuzzy to me after a while.

Who the heck care if you own a RM5K bicycle, you still need to peddle it. And realistically, how often do you think u ride the bicycle?

Well, besides materials, he also commented positively on himself. Perhaps I am too negative, but self praise is no praise.

Anyway, I gave the nonchalant look every single time.

I am nice not to tell him that he is braggy, but not that nice that I have to pretend to be wow-ed by the big talks. If I associate him to a particular race, which is generally labelled as braggy/talk big, then I can be so so racist. So, my mouth is zipped. Nope, he is not my boss, if that's what who you are thinking of.

krazie*angel gonna shout "SHOW ME THE MONEY" the next anyone brag

Deadly Chocolate

I am having migraine again. A real bad one. I feel like a one eye pirate now. Blardy chocolate. I just had one small slice yesterday. I couldn't resist it. How can it be so effective in triggering the migraine?

Those whom had tried to stop me from eating the chocolate yesterday, sorry guys, I should have listen to all of you. Please snatch any chocolate away from me and eat it right away if you see me with one in the future.

krazie*angel needs a good knocking on the head *doink*doink*

Broke already before this month even begin

It is the 1st of Oct today, and I am already broke. Salary came in and the money dries up like alcohol (not drinking alcohol, you drunkards!) in the open.

Paid my bills - Streamyx, Maxis, Telekom, Tenaga, Astro, Credit Card
Contribution to Kelab Kutu
Gave Mom (Arghh! I still owe papa)
Paid a hutang
Belanja my family at Pizza Uno (they always pay, so I pai seh lah)
Bought a crystal ball and bracelets (hoping to improve my life. better work coz it is not cheap)
Paid for my yoga class

I still need have these pending... chiat lat! *slap forehead*
- Pay Cherub
- Pay for my F language class - new term again
- Give papa
- Petrol (at least 5 x full tanks per month)

And I like a pair of shoes I saw in Vincci. It is a bit expensive. This have to wait or keep in cold storage for a while. Cannot buy anything that I don't need.

Ooops, so many birthdays this month - Bobo, Chinoz, Allyfeel and Metria.

Gosh, I don't seem to have enough money to eat this month. I guess "chap fan" all the way this month.

krazie*angel kais pagi makan pagi, kais petang makan petang